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Raised by an agnostic and an almost-agnostic Christian, my first religious schooling was provided by polytheistic mages (“witches”) when I was 13. They were nice folks, but nothing I gained from them touched me spiritually. After a couple of years, I got bored with the pageantry, frustrated with what I saw as an abdication of personal responsibility, and began exploring my own path to enlightenment.
I attended a Catholic high school, and what I learned of their faith was depressing. One friend there referred to me as the devil, and I accepted that moniker with the mutual understanding that the devil challenged Adam and Eve to think for themselves. She challenged the tired teachings to find within herself the Divinity and Love with which she had been created. As a result, she became a bad Catholic but a self-loving, empowered Christian (a true believer in the teachings of Jesus, rather than an adherent of the teachings of Paul), with a close, unshakable relationship with her God.
I was still searching. Monotheism didn’t ring true for me, and polytheism wasn’t really much better. I spent years as an agnostic, accepting Something Out There without attempting to resolve my spiritual questions. I learned about Deism, which seemed a bit more sensible, but still offended my need for personal responsibility. I settled upon agnostic pantheism, accepting the validity of all faiths without assumption of attachment to any. Clearly, there are Somethings Out There, but I simply couldn’t trust any entity that wanted me to worship it.
I began working with local groups, participating in their rituals with chaotic results. It was a fun time for me, and a definite learning experience for them; through one of the more capable mages, I made the acquaintance of an entity known to some as Discordia. I had never had an intimate encounter with a deity before, and the experience was impressive. But, being me, I couldn’t fall to my knees and humbly give praises. In our first moment of contact, which on Her end was clearly “Here I am, what do you want?”, all I could think of in response was, “How’s it going?”
I might be the only person to date to render a goddess speechless. I didn’t want anything. I wasn’t looking for proof of Her existence; I wasn’t wanting help for spell-casting. I just wanted to say “Hi,” and once I did, I simply expressed hope that all was well on Her end and that we might maintain cordial association in the future.
I felt Her presence often after that. I think perhaps there was something like suspicion on Her end, not trusting that I wasn’t trying to soften Her up for some huge favor. Months went by, and I continued to ask for nothing, only inquiring after Her state and sympathetic to what seemed to be complaints about what She was asked to do, and what was done in Her name. Then She began what seemed to be tests of my intent, flexing Her metaphysical muscles to perhaps prove She was worthy of my worship. I had to politely decline, as partly because of Her own actions, I had learned that worship (at least for me) is not an option for a healthy spiritual life. I cannot enslave myself to anything but my own potential, nor would any deity want my worship for anything but their own ends. She didn’t take my refusal well at first. The abrupt absence was a bit intimidating, but I remained firm. Finally, I did reach out to Her: “I don’t need you, but I do appreciate you, and I leave it to you to decide which is more important.” Apparently, She decided my knowing respect was better than blind worship, and we resumed our acquaintanceship with contentment on both sides.
Through all of this, I continued to study and practice alone, finding it too difficult to work with people who thought they needed a deity to achieve results in spell-work. I also felt no desire to debate with Discordians that would certainly challenge my views and experiences with ‘their’ goddess, especially since She seemed to think a significant percentage of them were whiny, demanding clods.
I challenged myself repeatedly, and found that the energies of the Universe are there regardless of what one believes. While some may require the assistance of a deity to access, harness, and utilize Universal energies, deities do not create, own, or fully control those energies. (Note: this does not apply to deific energy, which is of course the property of the entity emitting it.) I had achieved a level of enlightenment – finally, I understood why the Christian and the pagan could share certain ‘energy taps,’ such as healing, ESP, protection, and cleansing.
I still won’t work with deities for my needs, and it’s probably cheeky of me to be sympathetic to their frustration with humanity. But at the same time, when I feel the energies of the Universe at work, I also perceive a contentment that can only be the satisfaction of entities that want us to strive for our own perfection, rather than blindly follow another person’s idea of what a deity wants.
My energy works remain selfishly small in scope but unfailingly effective. Next time, I will share the foundation process for Nontheistic Energy Work (NEW), which is easily adaptable to any religious framework (for those of you that do have a close and personal relationship with one or more deities). Future articles will detail some of my favorite day-to-day ‘spells,’ including Aware-Web, Super Green, Well Red, and Don’t-You-Dare-Crash-You-Stupid-Computer.
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